*(To Say Nothing of the Dog)
Finding yourself alone on the couch at 2 am in your mid-30s can feel disorienting. Some tips on coping follow.

There is an inner clock that runs somewhere deep inside the meat of every mammal, and just outside, the relentless and deafening hammering of the World’s time. You are stuck in between, trying to make sense of both without going completely mad. A glorified gearbox, switching from first to reverse and back, grinding through a lot of it.

Sitting alone in a room will, in time, fine-tune your ears to your inner voice, which can be especially good if are trying to write a novel – or your college thesis – but too much of that and you may end up becoming disinterested in anything and anyone else. On the other hand, living a life based largely on other people’s calendars – be it work, friends, family, the news, the public holidays, and those pitiful little summer vacations that you sometimes get forcibly dragged to – can promote a different kind of malaise that is no less dangerous for the soul.

therapy

This will largely be focused on mental health, as it happens to be my priority these days. My rule for therapy is this – if you’re thinking of maybe going to therapy, you should. If you’re doing something else instead, thinking that the feeling will pass, it’s probably late and you should’ve gone earlier. That’s all there is to it.

Not all therapists are equal and no therapy is equal and it may take awhile to find something that works for you. That’s okay. You can go for a couple of months and then not come back for a year and that’s also okay.

That being said, there is a lot that you can do on your own.

exercise

This may be hard to accept; abrasive, even offensive to read; but it turns out that physical exercise is actually good for you – not just for your flesh prison, but also for your stupid little monkey brain.

walking

If you’ve spent the better part of the last few “lockdown” years on the couch, some exercise may do you good, as well as the fresh air. According to at least a million youtube videos, walking is the best cardiovascular training that you can do – you can do more of it compared to most other exercises, there is almost no chance of hurting yourself, and it is actually useful (e.g. you can get to places and do stuff without getting stinky in the process). It also helps if you have a dog, since you’re probably doing this already; if not, why not? Pets are also a proven way to improve your mental health, and a dog is a type of pet, only better.

Walking around is also, on its own, very good for your mental health (or so say some people).

Stand up, but slowly! Do not be disheartened by the sounds that may be coming out of the general direction of your knees – that’s what those expensive headphones are for. Put on some shorts with pockets (important) and a pair of comfortable shoes (importanter), and find the nearest area that most resembles a forest.

Alternatives: get a bike.

lifting weights

Gyms can be scary, and they tend to smell funny. There’s bad but loud music playing at all times. What if you do something wrong? What if they make fun of you?

It may be surprising to some – it certainly was to me – to find that most gyms are perfectly fine and neutral, and that no one cares enough about anyone else to stop what they’re doing and laugh. If you are worried about exercising correctly, which is a valid thing to worry about, as one may actually get hurt – this is generally only a concern if you are using free weights, e.g. barbells, dumbbells, and kettlebells. However, you don’t really need them at first – look around, pick one of the many (many!) machines, read its instructions (there are almost always simple illustrated instructions printed on them) and/or watch a video, set a light weight, and go for it.

And once you get the hang of it and pick up on some exercises, learn what you like and what works for your body, you can easily start working out at home. It is crazy how much a little exercise – even just a few times per month (but ideally a couple of times per week) – will improve your general well-being, and especially your headspace.

Most gyms ask that you bring clean shoes and a towel when inside. Also recommended: water and headphones.

journaling

Writing down your thoughts and dreams is supposed to be therapeutic. It can also provide you with physical evidence that something – even a tiny, little thing – happened in your day, which can be meaningful if you tend to feel like your life passes you by without any events.

I went through several iterations of my “journaling setup” – both what but also where and how I write stuff down – and I found out that a lot of stuff that works for other people does not work for me at all. I have a pocket notebook organized so that every two-page spread covers a single week. It stays on my kitchen counter so that I can add some structure to my week, which is an area that tends to be difficult for me. Schedule wise, one week across two (small) pages is the sweet spot for me – a month is too daunting, and a single day per page can bring back the aforementioned feeling that nothing (or very little) ever happens.

I also have an online notes app (Joplin) that is synchronized across devices for convenience and for more “permanent” notes such as a todo list/wishlist for the year, as well as some technical docs or concept notes on whatever I may be working on at the time. Keeping notes online can have the added benefit of shareability – if you have a funny schedule and/or close friends who regularly ask you if you’re free for a drink, a meal, or an activity, you can ease both their and your life by providing them with a link and some instructions.

Journaling can take the form of many things: writing down all the films, series or books that you watch and read can seem slightly off-center, but it’s just another way to measure the days in the life, and if that helps you even a little bit, just log into letterboxd or goodreads and log that bitch.

If you fall out of the habit, don’t fret – it’s a marathon. Plus no one other than you will ever read this (inshallah). Turn the page and start writing.

food

Living alone is a great time to try and make changes to your diet because there’s no one else to compromise with and work around. Less meat and dairy products is usually a good idea, just like cutting down on sugar and alcohol. Some people cut down on carbs; if you’re prone to inflammation, you can try removing gluten. Intermittent fasting is a thing that works well for most people and has proven health benefits. Just try some stuff and see what works for you, but also consider what you can keep up with long term.

It may also be a good time to try out some new recipes and generally improve your cooking skills and/or setup. Cooking is a very underrated skill that is relatively easy and cheap to pick up, but it can be tedious to do for one. Tip: you don’t need to limit home-cooked meals to your romantic interests – your friends all run on food too.

social behavior

dating

Dating in your 30s may feel very different than what you’re used to. By now you probably know yourself that much better, and you also know what you appreciate and won’t tolerate in a partner. On the other hand, by this point in your life you probably don’t get to meet many new people in your day-to-day life, limiting your dating (and/or friendship) choices. Dating apps can be a helpful crutch to that end, but they can also seriously mess with your brain in more than one way.

Don’t really have any great insight into this, but here are some extremely generic thoughts that sound true:

• You can’t always be the good guy in someone else’s story, and this is fine. You will end up hurting people and other people will be hurting you. There is always going to be some risk in the process.
• You can’t really make any decisions on behalf of other people. If you get rejected or if you don’t get a lot of matches, this is not because you are not good enough. People will be quick to judge and shallow, especially on apps, so the only thing that you can do is try to be more open-minded on your end.
• Put in a conscious effort to go for people out of your usual “type” or comfort zone. When uncertain, say yes or consider a second (third, fourth..) date. If you want to get to a new place in your life, you will have to allow for some chance.
• Asking questions may be difficult for some people, just like telling stories isn’t natural for others. Going on first dates is a skill that can be trained – try to do that early on, before the mental fatigue inevitably sets in.
• Be clear about your intentions – with others, but even more so with yourself.
• You won’t always be able to give adequate closure, and you won’t always be able to get it.
• If you start to feel that fatigue creep in, just take a break, go for a run, read a book.

Most importantly, do not try to be someone else to appeal to others – on the contrary, in all of life’s little disciplines, look for your most authentic self.

friends

Here are some thoughts on friendship:

• Friends can broadly be split into two groups – low maintenance and high maintenance. You can call a low maintenance friend in a year or ten, and continue your conversation where you left it. A high maintenance friend can be more demanding in this regard, so you have to take extra effort (which may not come naturally to you) for your relationship. Tip: scheduled group activities, such as game nights, can help introverts/depressives/ADHD folk to cope with such expectations.
• Every person – and thus every friend – is an envoy from a completely different planet (as seen in the popular 90s TV show Star Trek TNG). They all have different needs, wants, interests, relationships with others and with you. All members of the federation share a common language, yet you speak a different one with each individual friend, full of context, nuance and subtleties known only to you two.
• If making friends is an issue – there are apps for that! Consider applying some dating tips.
• If keeping friends is an issue – why?
• If you do not feel the need to maintain a relationship – be it a friend or family – don’t do it only for the sake of inertia. People really change with time and that’s one of the most normal things in life. Again: be intentional about the people in your life. The word “toxic” gets thrown around a lot, but sometimes it’s the right one.

getting out there

If you’re more of a “no” person, it pays to do a week or a month of changing that to a “yes”. Somewhat reluctantly going out for just one drink has lead me to some of the most heart-warming and memorable evenings in my recent past.

If you’re not active on dating and/or social apps, and you haven’t changed your job in awhile, the reality is that you simply won’t be making any new relationships – romantic or platonic – from the comfort of your living room. This should not be the only reason to go out, but it’s a fact. I do not believe that relationships that started “offline” are somehow better or more valuable than “online” ones, but there is a tangible, tactile quality to first meeting someone in person that is very difficult to replicate virtually.

Something I do believe in, however, is that going out of your comfort zone should be something that one does for themselves first and foremost. I do not abide by being uncomfortable because of someone else, and neither should you.

arts & crafts (& depression)

I had kinda retired from any artistic endeavors for the better part of 15 years cause back then I had firmly decided that I suck in all of my chosen disciplines. After struggling with depression and a series of mental breakdowns a few years ago, I first tried to cope in ways that were harmful or useless at best; I then did therapy on and off for about a year, which did help me out somewhat. At the same time, I got persuaded to join a band, and then got persuaded to take some music lessons (for the first time in my life), and then got persuaded to join a second band, and eventually started writing music again.

In time, weekly therapy sessions were naturally replaced by weekly rehearsals, and I discovered that the effect on my general well-being was the same, if not better. What I’m trying to say is that art is good for the soul, even if it’s shitty art; even if you do suck. There is not a single good reason to stop for 15 years, or even for a day. It’s also cheaper than therapy!

This has been better said by better men before:

“Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven’s sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possibly can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something.”

Kurt Vonnegut

DIY has also increasingly become a major part of my life to the point where a small subset of people think of me as something of a handyman; doing things with one’s hands is also a way to grow one’s soul, but it’s also a way to make amends, a way to put things apart or together, and a way to physically help out your friends and family. I love all my friends dearly and to me, there is no greater reward in life than being able to help. As with arts, you do not need to be that good at it at first – (almost) everyone can hang a picture on a wall or help move a couch or assemble IKEA shelves, and doing is the only way to get better.

plants

This is really pretty self-explanatory – plants are great. They’re basically green pets that don’t eat or poop. If you don’t have any, go out and buy some that you find pretty, or ask your friends for some of theirs. As with all other facets of life, plants will also sometimes just die on you, but this does not mean that you did bad or shouldn’t try again. Your patience and persistence will be infinitely rewarded by their beauty, calm, fresh air and good vibes.

If you plant a little citrus seed now, with some luck in eight or ten years you may see the literal fruit of your labors growing on that little green branch, and it will be a glorious sight, and it will be a moment to remember.

two years of

Finished an over-long home repair project that was always in the back of my mind and was weighing me down. Saw a lot (lot) of movies and TV shows, read a few books, binge-listened to some podcasts. Went to Vienna for a week and saw two of my favorite bands in the same night; saw Ghost in the Shell in Filmcasino; saw my friends and family and cat. Went on a lot (lot) of first dates that may have not changed my relationship status yet, but some of them did turn into friendships (plus there’s all the stories). Reconnected with some people, cut others off.

Wrote some songs. Grew out my hair; cut my hair. Saw my first little citrus fruits grow on that little green branch. Had a couple of crushes; got hurt and hurt others too.

Gave directions to random people on the street a hundred times or more. Finished writing this and started writing something else.

One word was repeated more than others and that word is friends. Even if you’re like me and call them every year or ten, do keep them in your thoughts every day, and do call eventually.

2834 words – first draft 5 feb 2024 – signed: a ghost